April 1, 2020 – Observations and Thoughts…

I cannot write when I’m wrestling with something big. This is counterintuitive to what I believe other writers do. But, I’ve noticed that I avoid writing when I have big fears, doubts, or a situation I don’t know how to handle. This is why I haven’t written on my blog for the past five days.

I’ve been wrestling with how to best support our daughter with her anxiety and need for accommodations to do her schoolwork. I’ve had so many thoughts zooming in my head:

• Do we pull her from public school because the workload is so overwhelming?
• How can we support her remote learning while helping develop accommodations for her anxiety and dyslexia?
• How do I handle my intense feelings of failure and frustration? I feel unheard when communicating my daughter’s needs to the school.
• Who will listen and can change happen?
• What options do we have?

I allowed all these negative thoughts to consume me. I was not setting a positive example of trusting God or focusing on what I can control or focusing on what I need just in this moment. I avoided writing–as I often do in these situations–because I feared the strength of the emotions I might experience or having to relive something painful.

However, and I should know this by now, writing is cathartic for me. If I would just sit down to write, I would remember that it helps me process my feelings, not relive them in pain. Writing allows me to pen what I’m feeling or experiencing through a third-person lense and often I end up having some type of revelation.

This type of revelation happened last night. I was jotting down some thoughts in my journal about where I felt lost and helpless and the words “Be still [Marnie], and know that I am God” kept popping into my head. If that isn’t a smack-you-over-the-head kind of revelation, I don’t know what is. “Okay, Lord,” I thought in my head, “I am listening.”

Like that, my anxiety snapped back to a more reasonable level, given the current state of affairs. I woke up today with a more balanced outlook, especially after praying, “Lord, give me the strength and the wisdom to help my daughter where I can and help me to trust in Your promises, accepting when I need to wait for answers. Thank you for always loving me, in spite of my impatience and unbelief. Amen.”

And, as one might expect, my thoughts are flowing again.

#hopeinsuffering #writingistruth #thisiscoronalife #alonetogether